Hey, guys. It’s me, acclaimed filmmaker Wes Anderson. I just finished my latest movie, The Phoenician Scheme, and it’s going to be great. It’s got everything—an ensemble cast of A-listers, set designs to die for, and a mid-century setting in exotic locales. But real quick, before I go ahead and release it, I wanted to ask, are you sure you’re still in the mood for one of my movies?
You know, with everything that’s been going on lately?
I just thought that maybe I should check in first. Because I would hate to release The Phoenician Scheme, my charming and absurdist black comedy caper, only for everyone to feel too weird to go see it—which, by the way, would totally make sense. I would feel weird if I were you. There’s a lot on your plates at the moment.
It’s okay. You can be honest with me. If Benicio del Toro wearing a fez is too much for you to handle right now, you can tell me.
But, I mean, hey, no judgment if you are in the mood to see it. Be my guest! If you’re ready to show up to the theater May 30—given the state of the world—and say, “One for The Phoenician Scheme, please,” all the more power to you. Maybe this 101-minute fanciful romp featuring Michael Cera as a private tutor who speaks in a Norwegian accent is exactly what you’re looking for. It won’t preserve habeas corpus or the First Amendment or civil rights. But it will make you think, “Huh, is that an oud I’m hearing in this Kinks cover?”
Oof. Things sure are bad. Thank God I moved to Paris 20 years ago!
Just as a gut check, how about I list off some of the things you might see in my movie and you tell me if they’re dealbreakers? Tom Hanks and Bryan Cranston rattling off my signature droll dialogue—enticing or not? What about meticulously framed scenes that blend nostalgia and melancholy with just a dash of whimsy? And do you like the idea of Benedict Cumberbatch as a character with elaborate facial hair named Uncle Nubar? Or is that kind of a red flag?
If you aren’t really feeling another one of my films, just let me know. All I’m trying to do here is make sure this is what you genuinely want. Don’t go just to make me happy. I’d have no problem sitting on the movie for a few years, if that’s what you need. Maybe I could release The Phoenician Scheme in 2028, or 2030. But then again, who knows— maybe things will be much, much worse by then. Maybe this is your last chance to see my work before total economic and democratic collapse.
Do you think there will be film festivals in the camps?
Shoot. Now I wish I’d made a movie about a film festival in the camps.
Don’t freak out. I’m not saying things will get worse. I’m just saying they could. I’m trying to be empathetic, as an expat. Of course, here in France, there are plenty of problems too. Not sure what they are, though. I get my news from literary magazines.
So, I don’t know, what do you think? You want it? You want The Phoenician Scheme? Tilda Swinton isn’t in this one, if that sways your mind one way or the other. But Jeffrey Wright is back. He wears a sea captain’s hat and suspenders. Anyway, I have to go now. I’m riding my bicycle to the bakery. Just let me know by the end of Cannes. Au revoir.
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