Losing a spouse suddenly can be one of the hardest things you’ll ever deal with. The grief can be overwhelming, as can the reality that you need to start over, without the person who you’re used to having by your side. Some people vow to never remarry, or even get into another relationship again, after experiencing the death of a partner.
This was the case for one 44-year-old woman whose husband of more than 20 years died in a car accident. She never intended to meet another romantic partner, but life had other plans. In a few months time, she’ll be eloping with her fiance. The problem is, he’s insisting that she remove her ring finger tattoo before then. It’s one she had done with her late husband, and she doesn’t want to erase that memory forever. Bored Panda reached out to Rosalinda Randall to hear what advice she has. Randall is an etiquette expert and communications expert.
This widow’s ring tattoo is a reminder of the ex-husband she lost in a car accident
Image credits: anonymous / reddit (not the actual photo)
But her new partner is uncomfortable with it and is insisting she get it removed
Image credits: prostock-studio / freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Salty-Sherbert2673
“Their past is a package deal”: an expert weighs in
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
A person never forgets a spouse, especially when that union created children… Those were the words of etiquette expert Rosalinda Randall when Bored Panda told her about the woman’s predicament. She believes the woman handled the situation graciously and discreetly, by accepting the tattoo removal gift card and discussing it privately with Trevor.
Randall says getting a wider wedding band might be an option. “Although somewhat extreme, you could add a tattoo on the back side of your finger with something meaningful to you and Trevor,” she added.
Randall’s advice is for the woman to explain to her future husband that the tattoo has significance to the children, not only their mother. The story of how she and their daddy got matching Star Wars tats is meaningful and something they can cherish.
The expert warned that the issue shouldn’t be taken lightly. “It doesn’t seem like Trevor is truly ready to accept that you may never remove it,” she said. “If not settled prior to the wedding, it will continue to resurface, potentially building resentment. And with children involved, it could be devastating.”
Randall says the woman and her partner should consider seeing a family therapist, or even postponing the wedding, if the tattoo becomes a constant topic of discussion.
When it comes to Trevor, Randall says she’d remind him that letting go of things isn’t easy and not always possible. “I bet you have a couple of lucky shirts stuffed in your drawer you haven’t been able to part with. Heck, maybe even a plastic trophy from little league. Why? Just let it go,” she said. “We hang on to things for different reasons. And, as cliché as it sounds, we’ll let it go when we’re ready.”
The expert adds that patience is important. “The fact that she didn’t throw the tattoo removal gift card in your face, shows she loves you and understands,” is what Randall would tell the man. “The circumstances of how the marriage ended were sudden and tragic. She still loves him and will go on loving him always. You must consider and accept this for your marriage to succeed.”
She says she understands why he might not want his future wife to have her ex-husband’s name on that symbolic finger. But suggests that Trevor buys her a wide wedding band.
Again, she stressed that there are children involved. They lost their dad. “Consider her position as a mother. With or without the tattoo, her ex-husband will be ever-present; he lives on through those children,” she told Bored Panda. “One day, she’ll have to answer them when they see the scar. ‘Yes, I erased your daddy because Trevor asked me to.’ Do you want to be the one to explain it to them?”
Randall said an option is for Trevor to get a tattoo on his ring finger with a new meaning to complement what his future wife already has. “Some cutesy nickname she calls you, the initials of her two sons, the word ‘forever’ or ‘in honor of’ what that man created and left for you to carry on.”
Lastly, Randall said she’d tell Trevor that he never knows what the future holds. “She may surprise you with a scar on your twenty-five-wedding anniversary.”
The expert says because everyone grieves differently and keepsakes are so personal, no one can, or should, determine for another what stays or what goes and when. “If photos, symbols, or items of a deceased spouse are everywhere, leaving no space for the new spouse, there is a problem,” she told Bored Panda. “If the widow/widower asks you to wear some of the deceased clothes or drink from the same coffee cup, there is a problem.”
However, she says a couple of items that warm the widow’s heart as they walk by are sweet and natural. “If you are the new spouse and find these reminders troublesome, ask yourself why?” she advised. “They aren’t a threat to you. They are a part of the person with whom you are in love with; their past is a package deal.”
“Jealous of a dead man”: many sympathized with the woman, and felt Trevor was wrong
Some netizens understood where the man was coming from and felt the couple should find a compromise
“Life is for the living”: not everyone felt the woman should keep the tattoo
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