There are bold birthday wishes and then there’s Lisa, pioneering the new frontier of neighborhood entitlement—forget cake or invitations, she’s here for your bandwidth. Never mind that Wi-Fi is the modern equivalent of your toothbrush (intimate, by invitation only, and definitely not communal), Lisa knocks on the door like she’s delivering a pie and instead requests the digital keys to your kingdom. It’s her special day, after all, so why shouldn’t every rando within a three-house radius stream cat videos and FaceTime grandma on your dime?
She presents her case: data cap maxed out, budget blown on balloons and finger food, so naturally, the solution isn’t to… I don’t know, skip a streamer or two, but to turn your private network into the local hot spot for the Lisa Birthday Internet Jubilee. When met with a polite but rational NO, because, you know, basic boundaries exist. Lisa delivers a gold-medal eyeroll and accuses you of crushing her dreams of declaring Free Wi-Fi for All, as if she’s running fiber-optic out of her living room.
Not to be deterred by your unreasonable attachment to digital privacy, she comes back, now trying a “just five special guests” negotiation tactic, like you’re an open bar with velvet rope access. At this point, the party favor becomes shutting the door, because some neighborhood boundaries are better left password-protected. Happy birthday, Lisa—hope your data plan enjoys the afterparty.
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