A MAN has been shocked to learn that his partner can hear any of his inner thoughts that express dissent.
Martin Bishop made the discovery during a minor argument with girlfriend Ellie Shaw about how he scoops out large lumps of Lurpak from the tub instead of neatly scraping it from the top.
Bishop said: “Ellie was annoyed about the way the spread always has ‘craters’ in it, and claimed her toast goes cold while she’s smoothing it back down.
“For the sake of an easy life I agreed to make sure the spread was smooth before I put it back in the fridge. But in my head I was thinking: ‘Christ, there’s more to life than sodding spread being flat.’
“Ellie immediately said: ‘Yes, there’s more to life than spread. Such as sex, which is frankly less likely to happen if you don’t stop pissing me off with all your annoying lazy-arsed habits.’
“What the f**k? She must have read my mind. Is she psychic? This is terrifying. Is she listening to every thought in my head 24/7? It’s like that Twilight Zone episode with the evil telepathic kid. I’d better start watching what I’m thinking about Dianne Buswell during Strictly.
“Or can Ellie only read my mind when I’m thinking something she doesn’t like? I reckon it’s that, because while I was thinking it Ellie said: ‘Yes, that’s how it works.’ I’m scared.”
Shaw said: “Actually I can’t read Martin’s mind, he’s just incredibly predictable and easy to read. I’d rather not know his thoughts because I’m pretty sure it’s all shit like ‘Can a shark can swim faster than Usain Bolt can run?’”
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