WE’VE all had a miserable birthday at some point, but it probably wasn’t as bad as Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor’s. Here are some unhappy ones that were great compared to his.
No one turned up
Except perhaps a couple of old mates, forcing you to admit that maybe you’re just not that interesting or popular. Although compared to Andrew you’re Mr Popularity himself. People may have skipped your birthday, but at least they weren’t saying they hoped you ended up in prison with a burly cellmate who’s not picky about his sexual partners.
Recently dumped birthday
Your girlfriend or boyfriend decided they simply had to end your relationship just days before your birthday, forcing you to celebrate while wanting to cry. And inform people that Rachel/Steve had dumped you because you’re defective as a romantic partner. This was still a better birthday than dozens of police turning up at 8am and dragging you off to a cell before you’d even had a mouthful of Colin the Caterpillar.
Childhood disappointment
As a child, minor upsets like going to a local petting zoo for your birthday only to discover it was unexpectedly closed were crushing disappointments. But probably not as disappointing as your 66th birthday turning into a police raid and discovering the only person with any sympathy is Donald Trump, which doesn’t help your case.
Hitting 50
Unlike 40, reaching 50 means admitting you are actually quite old, and not just technically no longer in your 30s. It’s depressing but at least you can go for a nice meal and stuff your face with crispy duck or whatever. That’s a big step up from Andrew, whose in-custody birthday meal would have been something like a meat slurry microwave lasagne and a sad little packet of three digestives.
You were unpleasantly shitfaced
Getting pissed on your birthday is hardly unusual, but starting too early can mean the evening is a complete blank or you behaved like an embarrassing twat. However, pathetic drunken attempts at chatting people up and vomiting in cabs are definitely less embarrassing than being questioned about the time you were great mates with a paedophile sex trafficker.
Freak misfortune
You had plans, but something random and awful happened like your girlfriend breaking her arm, so your birthday consisted of seven hours in A&E instead. But at least you could just rerun your birthday a week later. Andrew could try this, but given the steady drip of horrors from the Epstein files he might find his replacement birthday rudely interrupted by the cops as well, and not over some boring documents this time.
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