HEY, it’s the Duke of Sussex here. The artist formerly known as HRH. Good old Harry. Although I’m actually called Henry, apparently. I only just found out. Weird.
You probably saw my interview last week and yes, I may never live in Britain again. I’ll miss quite a few things but one really stands out: sitting on my arse on my settee shouting wrong answers at whatever daytime quiz is on the telly. Here are the hosts I think of as my friends:
Bradley Walsh, The Chase
What’s that sound? Oh that’s just me cracking open a couple of ‘5pm brewskis’ because Bradders is on. The Chase is the quiz I’d most like to be on – taking the high offer like a bloody don, razzing The Sinnerman because he forgot the capital of Haiti was Port-au-Prince. I told my Nan she should make him Sir Bradley Walsh but she wasn’t into it. That’s bullshit – she gave knighthoods to nobodies like Sadiq Khan, and he doesn’t even moonlight on Doctor Who.
Ben Shephard, Tipping Point
Ben is a stone cold hunk. Whenever I used to pop this on, Meghan would be sitting next to me in a flash. She got so into him I thought I’d have to use one of the assassinations members of the Royal Family get. No, just kidding. Those definitely probably don’t exist.
Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman, Pointless
Xander and Richard are like a couple of hilarious lads from Eton. Posh hair. Endless bantz. Back at Frogmore Cottage I’d recline on our disgustingly expensive sofa and laugh my head off at their witty repartee. Any time I wanted to spend an hour watching a retired couple from Crewe fail to win an unimpressive £2,000 jackpot, this was the show for me. Good times.
Les Dennis, Family Fortunes
The researchers on Family Fortunes are sick of me trying to get our family on the show. But I truly believe that the hilarity of Camilla trying to guess ‘long things you can put in your mouth’ might be the only thing that could reunite our splintered household. But now Gino D’Acampo has been cancelled it’ll probably never happen. To be fair he was shit. Les Dennis forever.
Anne Robinson, The Weakest Link
Boo, Romesh Ranganathan does this now – he might be the only person who’s on the telly more than me and Meghan. But I was all about Anne Robinson being a stone cold ginger bitch. She’s kind of hot, I’m not gonna lie. Sometimes in bed at night I dream that me and William are on it. Anne would make loads of bald jokes about him and we’d vote him off first, the prick.
Martin Roberts, Homes Under the Hammer
Admittedly this isn’t a quiz. But right now, considering Daddy isn’t speaking to me because of this security detail stuff, I honestly think Martin Roberts and Dion Dublin are as close to father figures as I’ve got. I’m gutted to think I’ll never watch them in the full traditional English way again – half-asleep on the sofa with a pack of chocolate digestives you’re just eating for the sake of it. I’ll miss our rich heritage.
0 Comments