PASADENA, CA—In what many have hailed as a groundbreaking discovery in the field of genetics, scientists at the California Institute of Technology published a study Thursday revealing that up to 93% of American baby boomers were fathered by a single virile milkman. “Our extensive DNA analysis shows that one hyper-fertile dairy deliveryman going about his door-to-door rounds inseminated the mothers of nearly all babies born in the United States between 1946 and 1964,” said lead researcher Emily Lentz, observing that the unknown milkman, who is presumed to have been a highly desirable partner, had enabled an estimated 72 million pregnancies among customers who lived along the many milk routes he worked across the nation. “This handsome, broad-shouldered progenitor appears to have single-handedly caused a massive spike in the birth rate, passing along traits for thick, wavy hair, sultry bedroom eyes, and a captivating smile that women can’t resist. Our team is now working hard to locate this individual, both for further study and to introduce him to his hundreds of millions of descendants.” Lentz added that her lab was also close to proving that the current decline in birth rate was the result of an abnormally impotent batch of American mailmen.
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