‘So all that shit was just to make things 10% more expensive for Americans?’ says confused world

UNFORTUNATELY late-night food outlets can sometimes offer a fight with your doner. Here we rank the best and worst eateries for avoiding aggro, or, if you’re differently inclined, kicking off.

10. YO! Sushi

Hands down the safest place on a Saturday night, possibly because no one gets wankered on Stella then fancies some raw fish.

9. Greggs

Violence is not currently an issue as they close at 7pm. But God help us when they realise a Steak Bake goes down really well after 11 pints of Stella and start opening late. The police may as well just park outside. 

8. Five Guys

Quite pricey so serious drinkers will steer clear and use the money they would have spent on one burger on several pints.

7. Nando’s

The only aggro you might encounter here is the amount of people pissed off they have to wait in line to pay way too much for chicken.

6. Subway

These miss chucking-out time drinkers thanks to closing at 10pm, and also no one who’s drunk eight pints of Kronenbourg ever thinking: ‘Hmm, I really should go for the healthy option.’ Slight risk of mob violence if they run out of those M&M cookies.

5. Pizza Express/Pizza hut

Since pizza is a sit-down sort of meal, the vibe in a pizza restaurant tends to be peaceful. Also starting a fight isn’t a great idea on date night. The same can’t be said for a late-night pizza takeout, but you know what you are signing up for there.

4. Generic kebab place

Invariably full of drunks with a fairly deserved reputation for aggro. Although they can be entirely peaceful for the simple reason that everyone is too f**ked to start a fight. 

3. Burger King

More down to chance, but this quick food fix attracts groups like obnoxious stag dos looking to soak up alcohol and other ludicrously pissed people such as townie clubbers planning to drink until they collapse.

2. That one chippy that is somehow still going

A significant step up in threat levels from kebab places if it’s a choke point for the very pissed. May also appeal to permanently angry people who think chicken kormas are ‘foreign muck’.

1. McDonald’s

Maccie D’s family-friendly image changes late at night. Troublemaking kids use it as a meeting point, drunks use it as a cheap refuelling station, and ex-soldiers looking to put their combat skills to use can get a job on the door to keep their hand in.