Six guests you’ve invited to your wedding from sheer obligation

GETTING married? The list of twats you do not want to invite but must grows longer by the day. You will be paying £135 per head for these wankers: 

Creepy Uncle Ted

Scared you as a child, remains memorably unpleasant as an adult. Auntie Margaret’s lovely, but not worth the price of Ted leering at the bridemaids. Will comment ‘and didn’t she look gorgeous’ in a way that puts everyone in mind of the late Jimmy Savile.

Janine from work

Just assumed she was invited. Yes, you have lunch with her most days, but she’s not a friend friend. You have to tolerate her all week and now she’s pushing in on the most special day of your life, with that overbite? You tried to only include her for the evening do. She affected not to understand and now she’s here talking f**king shop.

Cain, the bridesmaid’s boyfriend

You had hoped your wedding might land in one of Hayley’s fallow periods, but no. You’re marrying a better class of man, she’s turning up with a tattooed JustEat rider there with the sole intent of getting shitfaced. A mission he completes and you later hear him telling your mother about a prison stabbing when he was on remand.

Jonny, your distant cousin

As in you’ve seen him three times in your life but your parents have insisted on inviting them anyway because it’s their big day not yours. Jonny, it turns out, is back living at home aged 32 and training to be an eSports champion. Janine asks what eSports is and is punished by being enlightened at length.

Sarah, from primary school

The best friend you’ve not seen in years, couldn’t not invite, and no longer have anything in common with. Nobody does. Half of your day is sending a steady stream of people to talk to her because she’s always on her own, and once they’ve spoken to her they understand why.

Theo and Amelia, your mate’s f**king kids

You didn’t want to be the miserable prick who has a ‘no children’ wedding, but by God you wish you had now. Annoying shouty bastards tearing around like a upmarket country hotel is a soft play. They spill Cain’s pint, he shouts at them and they start crying. Actually, maybe Cain’s alright.