LIFE’S going okay for you here in Britain, so should you move to a hardline Islamic monarchy in the desert? We consider the pluses and the absolutely f**k nos:
PRO: No income tax
Imagine opening your payslip and the figure your employer pays you at the top and the figure you take home at the bottom…being the same? That’s what you’d see in Dubai where you’re not being robbed by the Starmer state.
WHAT THE F**K: Private schools and heathcare and security though
How thick do you have to be to exult in no tax then spend all your money on the stuff you get taxed for? Got kids? They’re at an international school for £20,000 a year. Each. Get ill? You’ll be paying through the nose for it. Train to work? Piss off.
PRO: Petrol’s only 50p a litre
No more rip-offs at the British petrol pump – out here, in the home of oil, petrol’s back to 1980s prices. Even the biggest gas-guzzling SUV is affordable, and the roads are beautifully paved.
LOOK AT A F**KING MAP: In the desert?
Drive wherever you like in the desert. Take a 200-mile weekend jaunt from one bit of desert to another if you like, it’ll still be f**king desert. You could drive a quad-bike around the desert if you like. You won’t do it twice.
PRO: You feel safe on the streets
There are no gangs of youths high on cannabis roaming the streets in Dubai. You can leave restaurants while flashing your £60,000 Rolex without fear of it being snatched. Criminals don’t get a slap on the wrist, they get the edge of a blade.
F**KING SERIOUSLY: Yeah, but Sharia law?
Are you off my nut? Have we not been trembling with fear about Sharia law in Britain for at least 20 years? Muslim courts trying our kids and all that? And now you’re like, sign me up? Yeah, supposedly it doesn’t apply to non-Muslims but mate, they’ll apply whatever law they like and good luck stopping them.
PRO: And the sun never stops shining
Unlike Britain’s drizzle and gloom, the sun’s always shining in Dubai. You’ll step onto your balcony with a coffee to be greeted by a wonderful vista of sunlight glittering on skyscrapers. Why wouldn’t you?
F**K’S SAKE: The heat is literally unbearable
Even in winter, you’ll be sweatily darting between islands of air-conditioning. In summer? The humidity means it’ll feel like 60 degrees. Humans can’t live in that. Step on that balcony in bare feet and you’ll lose a layer of skin. Stay home, you money-grubbing dick.
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