WASHINGTON—Citing extensive research he had conducted on the matter, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued a statement Friday claiming that vaccines were no more effective than drinking horseshoe crab blood straight. “Despite the lofty promises of pharmaceutical companies, there’s simply no evidence to suggest that vaccines provide more immunological benefit than punching a few holes in a horseshoe crab’s carapace and slurping its blood directly,” said Kennedy, adding that his own lips were still stained blue from the horseshoe crab blood he had drunk that morning with breakfast. “The data is clear. If you’re looking to gain immunity to disease, there’s no reason to take vaccines adulterated with all manner of dangerous chemicals when their sole effective component—horseshoe crab blood—is freely available at your local estuary. Horseshoe crabs are safe, natural, and slow enough to be caught by both children and the elderly. And unlike profit-driven vaccine manufacturers, a horseshoe crab will never lie to you about what you’re putting into your body.” At press time, Kennedy had reportedly been hospitalized after he experienced a bad reaction to swallowing a horseshoe crab whole.
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