UNACCOUNTABLY, it appears acting the twat in front of the whole world can damage perceptions of you. No matter. This is my genius plan to turn that around:
One: stop DOGE
DOGE was brilliant, everything it did was brilliant, and it’s cut an estimated nine trillion dollars in waste. That this was later revised to $232,877.14 changes nothing. But it appears sacking people for no reason is unpopular, so I’m out.
Two: stop supporting foreign fascists
Flying across the world informing countries they must back far-right parties was a brilliant idea, proving I’m smarter than Einstein, only failing to take into account that they did not want me to. Message understood, Europe! Buy my cars.
Three: stop tweeting
Though of course I call it X-ing. Because the site is called X now. Not Twitter. Regardless, staying up until 5am retweeting – sorry, re-X-ing – neo-Nazi conspiracies is apparently ‘damaging the brand’. Impossible to predict. A Black Swan event basically.
Four: stop associating with President Trump
Shareholders, investors, market managers; all people who, I’ve discovered, pay attention to numbers. So when Trump, to whom I am First Buddy, imposes nonsensical tariffs and wrecks the economy, they notice and I look bad right next to him.
Five: stop making wild promises I cannot possibly keep
I am going to Mars, and soon. Tesla’s self-driving cars will work perfectly from next year. All hot babes want my IVF babies. These are not promises but statements of fact. And I have to stop sharing them, just because science lets me down?
Six: seriously, stop tweeting
Whoops! Did I just share a message claiming the IMF is a paedophile ring with the word ‘Interesting’? I didn’t even know my hands were typing frenetically! It’s because I’m on ‘shrooms.
Seven: erase all evidence of my being a bellend from the entire internet
I can do this, I’m a hacker as well as the greatest World of Warcraft player that ever lived. Begin by deleting all the stuff on X, done, should be done, why isn’t it working? Oh yeah, I fired everyone. Okay this might take longer than I thought.
Eight: run my $745 billion company like I mean it
Kind of insulting to suggest a man of my talents could be fully occupied running Tesla. And Space X. And xAI, The Boring Company, Neuralink and X. The things I do for shareholder value.
Nine: no more Nazi salutes
What, seriously? None?
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