BRITONS have smuggled cocaine disguised as Angel Delight, which has millions with a packet of the latter at the back of a cupboard wondering: should I snort it? Apply these tests:
Is it pink?
Pink Angel Delight was a staple of the 1970s home dessert menu, with its sickening artificial strawberry taste bringing back treasured memories of long summers, power cuts and a PE teacher who slept with fifth years. However some cocaine is also now pink, because of the Barbie movie, so this is not conclusive.
Does it smell faintly of butterscotch?
If so it may be the connoisseur’s favourite Angel Delight, served by only the most select aspiring families. However, butterscotch doesn’t really taste of anything which is why it no longer exists as a flavour except in this powdery time capsule. That odour may only be your overworked, nostalgic imagination.
Is it popular with tired middle-aged adults?
Overwhelmingly, yes, in both cases. When you unknowingly binge-watch whole series because you’re slumped snoring on the sofa, you’ll turn to any dubious substance cut with f**k knows what to get even a fraction of the energy you once had.
Would it be appropriate to serve after a dinner party?
Absolutely not, if it’s Angel Delight. Especially not the vile banana variety. Even ironically, any host who enters with a tray of wobbling bowls of sugar and starch will receive zero return invitations. However if you enter with a tray of nice neat lines of fluffy Columbian best, your guests will thank you and come again.
Is it detrimental to my long-term health?
Absolutely. Whether the dessert or the recreational drug, develop a habit for it and you’re unlikely to see any return on your pension contributions. There’s a reason both substances are equally shunned by those who value their health. Though Nigella did turn to the butterscotch during turbulent times in her personal life.
Should I snort it?
Why not.
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