MPS and establishment figures are jockeying to say what an awful person Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor is now it is safe to do so. Here are a few of them:
Sir Chris Bryant, minister for trade
“I called him ‘rude, arrogant and entitled’ right there in the House of Commons. Aren’t I brave? I bet nobody else out there has dared say anything half as unpleasant. Even the most ardent anti-Royalist will only have said ‘well I always thought he was a bit off’.”
Sir Lindsay Hoyle, Speaker of the House of Commons
“That’s nothing. Since last week I’ve called him Prince of the Paedos, HRH Fatneck F**kwit and Andrew Mountanything-Wanker. Not in public yet, cause I’ve got to maintain the decorum of my office, but in the bar upstairs. Teach the prick for telling me I had a girl’s name.”
Kemi Badenoch, Leader of the Opposition
“Yeah? Well I said ‘I think Prince Andrew has brought significant reputational damage, and he should be punished for that where the wrongdoing is proven.’ Except I pronounced ‘Prince’ a bit like you’d pronounce ‘nonce’ to show my contempt.”
The Right Honourable Baroness Carr of Walton-on-the-Hill, Lady Chief Justice
“F**king overprivileged tiny-eyed slack-jawed shit-eating overbearing twat of all twats that he is. They should give the grouse guns and let them fire away at him, they’d probably be better shots. Oh dear, my saying this means if he’s tried the entire British judiciary would have to recuse itself so he can never be imprisoned. My bad.”
Prince William, the Prince of Wales
“I am, as my statement said, deeply concerned by the continuing revelations. Chiefly, that the antics of that blubbery bastard will stop my wife and I becoming the best King and Queen Britain will ever have. When will the public realise the second son is always a bellend, but the first one is brilliant and amazing and rightly deserves to rule?”
Victoria Newton, editor of The Sun
“Oh, we’re calling him all kinds of names. Then again we always did; in the 80s he was the Playboy Prince whose shags we’d breathlessly report, then in the 90s and 00s he was Randy Andy. It’s almost like we knew all along but deliberately suppressed it, isn’t it? We didn’t do that though.”
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