TIMOTHÉE Chalamet is too wonderful to be a mere actor so is rumoured to be Liverpudlian rapper EsDeeKid. But who else is secretly this boyish genius?
Banksy
A talent like Chalamet’s cannot be restrained to a single field. So as well as single-handedly rehabilitating a Kardashian, he offers trenchant political commentary in graffiti form as Banksy. The evidence? Banksy has created works in many major cities, and Timothée has probably been to all of them. Also he is so witty, clever and handsome.
EsDeeKid
An underground drill rapper with a strong Scouse accent who lives in a council house? French-American millionaire actor of privileged origins Chalamet has barely even bothered to disguise his identity here, so it’s perfectly natural fans have guessed it, and in no way a sign of fatal internet poisoning. He hides his beauty behind a balaclava like a shy faun.
DB Cooper
The man who hijacked a plane, demanded a ransom, parachuted out of it with the money and was never found was described as ‘charming’ by air crew. Who else could it be? Who else could play a part so completely that he disappears into it so the FBI couldn’t trace him? Who else could be so cunning? Oh, Timothée, is there anything you can’t do?
Elena Ferrante
Chalamet understands women. It’s why they adore him so, and nothing to do with his elfin good looks or aura of vulnerability. He understands women so well he wrote the Neopolitan Novels, a quartet about female lives and friendships, under a pseudonym. And in fluent Italian because he is so cosmopolitan and sophisticated, yet still winningly naive.
Kaspar Hauser
A German boy of mysterious origin, rumoured to be a scion of a Duke, so sensitive he could feel magnetic fields, of strange but compelling appearance? Tell me it’s Timothée Chalamet without telling me it’s Timothée Chalamet, right? Died tragically, just as Chalamet does in the fantasies of teenage girls just after he swears undying love.
The Zodiac Killer
The enigma of serial murder, varying his methods, wearing elaborate costumes, communicating obliquely; anyone who has followed Chalamet’s career will recognise the pattern. It’s what makes him the greatest actor of his generation. Yes, so far there are no reports of on-set killings but he’s not going for an Oscar yet. When he does? Watch out.
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