CHICAGO—Saying he couldn’t remember the last time an immigration raid had been so convenient, fast, or fun, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Mark Hammond reportedly scored an easy win Monday when he successfully deported his own family.
The 45-year-old ICE official told reporters he had “hit the jackpot” when he realized that because his wife of over a decade had been born in Guatemala and crossed the border with her parents as a 3-year-old child, he could just wake up, meet his arrest quota first thing in the morning, and then have the remainder of the day to slack off.
“I knew about Maria’s immigration status when we got married—the crazy thing is that I hadn’t thought of deporting her until now,” said Hammond, adding that the whole process, which included kicking down his house’s front door, drawing a gun on his terrified spouse, and zip-tying his two young children, was completed in “record time.” “It was awesome. I was able to do the raid without leaving my home and ship my family off to an immigrant detention center all before 9 a.m.”
“Now I have the whole rest of my day to terrorize other immigrants,” Hammond added from behind his mask. “Of course, the best part is I’ll actually be able to fucking relax when I get home.”
According to sources, while many of Hammond’s colleagues said they were happy for him, several expressed jealousy that he had the foresight to marry someone who was not born an American citizen. It must be nice, they suggested, that he could simply snap his fingers and walk down his own hallway to where there were two kids named Javier and Lucia whom he could tackle, put in headlocks, and throw into an unmarked van as they desperately screamed for help.
Hammond, who said he appreciated having several Department of Homeland Security officers show up to help him arrest his family and permanently expel them from the country, expressed regret that the heavily armed men who had worked so hard to block off the surrounding roads with armored tanks, throw tear gas at his terrified neighbors, and land a helicopter on his roof “didn’t get a piece of the action.”
“Even though I loved how chill today was, deporting my own flesh and blood was almost too easy,” said Hammond, adding that he actually found himself bored as he grabbed his wife, yelled at her to “get on the fucking ground,” and then slammed her into a wall. “Don’t get me wrong, it was fun to throw flash-bang grenades into my kids’ rooms and threaten to kill their mom while calling her a dirty Guatemalan bitch, but I was really hoping I’d get to use lethal force at least once.”
“But hey, there’s always next time,” Hammond continued. “I happen to know the kids’ abuela lives right down the street.”
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