‘NO, no, I’ll pay,’ you say, not meaning a word of it, but afraid to push it too far. These techniques will make it seem you desperately wanted to cover it but were cruelly thwarted:
Lay the foundations
Show early on, no later than the first drink, that you’ve yearned for weeks to buy this meal, reminding them frequently that ‘this one’s on me’ with all the conviction you can summon. And if they don’t say ‘no, I insist’ back, then they’re the wanker so they’ll have no option.
Exaggerate the fumble
Channel those awkward going-under-the-clothes teenage years with a good old fumble yielding nothing. Lining your handbag or pockets with old receipts ensures you don’t reach your wallet too quickly while mumbling that it must be there somewhere. Wince slightly at your own messiness, agonised at the thought of a free feed.
Peruse at length
In the unfortunate event that your opponent is more skilled in the slow fumble hold the bill out before you, examining it on its merits, head cocked quizzically, waiting for them to snatch it back before you notice they had three Old Fashioneds before you even arrived and how much it’s cost. On a Wednesday too.
Protest faintly
Once you’ve held the bill close enough to your dining partner they’re forced to either touch or inhale it, murmur at a volume audible only to any small woodland creatures sleeping in your hair ‘oh, you mustn’t’. Let this be your final, feeble protest before you’re steamrollered into accepting their generosity, so as not to offend.
Insist vehemently it’s your turn next time
Now the card is out, let your anger rise. You wanted to pay. You were desperate to pay. Not paying has done you incalculable damage. Your honour can only be satisfied by a firm promise – no, a vow – that you will pay next time. When that occasion comes around, make sure to sow doubt at the booking stage by saying ‘Whose turn is it to pay?’
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