How to put on a good show celebrating a wedding that will last three years maximum

WISHING you both a lifetime of happiness! Once you’re both past this mistake. Put a convincing tear in your eye for nuptials with a short shelf-life by following these tips: 

Get swept up in the emotion

The candles! The cake! The grudging acceptance of the groom’s mother! Let the tears flow. Everyone will assume you’re overwhelmed by the romance, not the tragic knowledge that she’s marrying a man so dull his idea of foreplay is putting on a foreplay playlist he found on Spotify by searching ‘foreplay’.

Master ambiguous messaging

Whether raising a toast or scribbling in the guest book, channel the vagueness of a fraudulent psychic with messages like ‘whatever is meant to be will be’ or ‘you’ll make a lot of memories together’. Memories to be shared with a couples’ therapist by Christmas and a divorce lawyer by next spring.

Focus on the positives

‘You’ll always have this day’, ‘That dress is beautiful and crucially, returnable’, ‘Have you noticed how sad your friend Mark is? Shows he was always in love with you and also is dependable’, and ‘Great coke, the groom’s father’ all show genuine appreciation.

Forgive and forget

If the groom is willing to forgive her affair with her line manager eight months ago, who are you to stand in the way of true love? Even though you know it never stopped? Sip champagne and reflect how wonderful it is that her boss is here, distracting the bride from noticing the knowing glances between her new husband and maid of honour.

Give cash

A set of Waterford crystal glasses is for life or for being hurled at each other across a kitchen island in 18 months, whichever comes first. They can’t share custody of an espresso machine when they split but they can halve £200. Whoever gives their half back to you, shamefaced, has your allegiance in the messy divorce to come.

Get wrecked

The event is a disaster. The marriage will be worse. You owe it to everyone, not least the bride’s parents who are 15 grand out of pocket, to be incredibly happy. There’s only one way to guarantee that: by drinking to excess and beyond, because nothing puts a smile on a British face like getting shifaced on someone else’s tab.