PERPETUALLY paranoid about ‘wasting the day’ staying in bed? Chill the f**k out by following this guide to enjoying it and not being knackered by 9pm:
Do not plan every second
Being a slave to your diary won’t help you lie in bed scratching your arse. Don’t make any arrangements before midday, turn off notifications, close the curtains properly and ignore your bladder. It can hold on a bit longer if it really tries, and in return you won’t attempt a wank.
Stay up late the night before
There is life after Newsnight. Stay up and see some of it, and then perhaps you’ll be tired enough to luxuriate in no alarm going off. Still finding yourself drowsy? Follow the wisdom of teenagers and stay up scrolling social media bullshit for far, far longer than you’re able to find it interesting. Then another hour after that.
Prepare your body
Usually exercise in the morning? Do it the night before instead. Shower in the morning? Wash in the evening. Usually have an evening Horlicks or soporific tea? Instead, knock back espresso martinis and vodka Red Bull until you keel over in a twitching, semi-conscious stupor. Lie-in guaranteed.
Ignore your mind
If you wake in the night for a 3am piss, perform the action without thought. If a man, sit on the toilet in darkness. Resist all thought, and especially long-nursed grudges about twat neighbours, arseholes online or how you’d have that argument with your partner better this time and win. These are not restful thoughts.
Ignore your partner
Often the reason you can’t lie in is due to your partner snoring, farting or poking you with an erection. Feign sleep anyway or lie: claim a parcel has arrived, or you heard the dog vomit, or simply ask them to leave the house forever and never come back. The means will justify the end when you’re curling up with the whole duvet.
Masturbate if necessary
If your own sexual thoughts are nudging you awake and you’re alone, crack one out. A morning glory or handy dildo will help but needn’t be a prerequisite for strumming off and wallowing in post-nut, warm bed, sleepy bliss.
Don’t fool yourself you’re important
The world won’t collapse if you roll over and grab an extra hour. Calm your frantic nervous system and racing heart with the understanding you’re a replaceable, insignificant cog in a the machine of capitalism and society will function fine without you. Like the Buddha, realise you are nothing. Then break wind and go back to sleep.
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