LONDON mayor Sadiq Khan has been knighted, prompting outrage from gammons. Since they’re utterly obsessed with him, here’s what to sadistically tell them…
Knights are exempt from the ULEZ charge
Tell a gammon that Sir Sadiq can now drive around London completely free. It’s disgusting, because who wouldn’t love to drive endlessly around London’s congested streets lined with Coral bookies and grotty fried chicken shops as if you’re gliding along breathtaking mountain roads in the Swiss Alps in an open-topped Aston Martin?
He gets a free castle
Be sure to really wax lyrical about this imaginary abode: the banqueting hall serving all-day full Englishes with quails’ eggs; the fairytale tower for trysts with hot maidens; the ‘dragon pad’ which is like a helicopter pad but for Khan’s personal flying dragon. Obviously it’s all a ludicrous fantasy and the role of knights is to kill dragons, not fly them, but gammons’ unhinged hatred of Khan will override all logic.
And a set of keys to Buckingham Palace
Your gammon acquaintance will be only too willing to believe Sir Sadiq gets a spare set of keys and can let himself in whenever he feels like it. When Charles goes to use his favourite solid gold toilet, who’s in there scrolling his phone and stinking the place out? Khan.
Khan is allowed to seduce the Princess of Wales
Whether it’s Guinevere and Sir Lancelot or Elizabeth I and Lord Robert Dudley, there’s a tradition of English queens being romantically attached to knights. Devious Khan has wasted no time in hitting on future queen Kate, wooing her with free trips on the London Eye. Imagine poor Prince William’s tears as he’s left with their annoying kids again as dashing Sir Sadiq whisks Kate away for a romantic weekend of deer slaying in Richmond Park.
The torture dungeon
As a knight, inform your gammon audience solemnly, Khan can send out his soldiers to drag people back to his dungeon under the London Assembly. So if Laurence Fox stops tweeting bollocks it’s because he’s having unspeakable things done to him with red hot pokers and being stretched on a rack. It’s got to be said this is pretty appealing, even if you’re a member of Amnesty.
He can order you to paint your car LGBTQ+
Claim that knights could dictate the livery of the steeds of those of lower status in medieval times, and this archaic law is still on the statue books. So Khan can order that your ‘steed’ – ie. your car – is whatever colour he wants. And trendy lefty Marxist trans groupie Khan will have it sprayed rainbow colours like his ambulances and police cars so people will think you’re a poof. You couldn’t make it up.
Droit du seigneur
Sir Sadiq now has droit du seigneur over all women in Britain, including gammons’ wives, despite this almost certainly being a kinky medieval myth. So not content with charging you £12.50 to drive your Transit through London, he’s now cucking you. You know the most sickening thing about this entirely fictional scenario? He’s married.
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