Half-closing the curtains, and other ways to deter burglars while you’re away

GOING on holiday? Cunningly preparing your house so burglars will believe it’s occupied and go home with swag bags empty? They’ll never expect this: 

Half-closing the curtains

Curtains open all night means you’re away, and curtains shut all day also means you’re away, but what no professional thief knows how to handle is the half-closed curtain. Caught in Schrodinger’s occupancy uncertainty, they’ll leave. Or possibly they’ll go round the back, see nobody’s there and force a window open.

Leaving Radio 4 on

Should a robber sidle up, press an ear to the door and hear the soft middle-class murmur of Radio 4, will they be convinced the house is occupied? No. Radio 4’s audience is the elderly and the limply leftwing, both easy to overpower and liberate of valuables. The educated tones of Sarah Montague are making you more vulnerable, not less.

Switching lights on and off

Neighbour volunteered to pop in to water the plants and simulate occupancy with lights? They’re not being community-minded. They’re casing the joint, telling their dodgy relatives what you’ve got, and rifling through underwear drawers. Which is better, a disinterested burglar or Kerry from next door knowing about your vibrator collection?

Install a security camera

That, or a flashing sign saying ‘We’ve got stuff worth nicking’. Even if the invite isn’t taken up you’ll spend every day of your holiday hunched in shade peering at your mobile to see whether that person hovering near your door is the postman or a criminal. You’ll announce every pigeon to your family. And get to watch a burglary live and impotently from the airport.

‘Beware of the dog’ sign

Affixing this to a gate will turn thieves away before they even cross the threshhold of your home, much less piss off with two iPads and a PlayStation. Or will it? Or must you accept the possibility that the criminal classes have senses of smell like the rest of us, and your home doesn’t have that distinctive eau de chien?

Not showing off on social media

The hardest challenge of all.  Do you go on holiday to relax, switch off and recharge? No. You go to take selfies drinking cocktails with a tan to post them on social media to fake a fabulous lifestyle. Not doing this would genuinely protect you from crime, but your desire to be an aspirational wanker is stronger than your need to keep your home safe. You just won’t be able to help yourself.