Abusers use gaslighting as a way to gain and maintain power and control in the relationship. They break down your confidence over time by making you think your interpretation of events is incorrect. The more you second-guess yourself, the more you start to believe their version must be the accurate one.
“People who cannot authentically argue their point of view or stand behind their words turn to gaslighting as a tool,” therapist Shannon Thomas, author of Healing From Hidden Abuse, told HuffPost. “They resort to confusion-creating tactics, and that is a sign of character weakness.”
The term comes from the 1938 play Gaslight by Patrick Hamilton (later adapted into two films in the 1940s), in which a husband tries to convince his wife she’s losing her mind to distract her from his criminal behavior.
Gaslighting is also a way for the abusive partner to avoid taking responsibility for their bad behavior, said psychotherapist Beverly Engel, author of The Emotionally Abusive Relationship.
“For example, accusing you of flirting or being unfaithful may be a smoke-screen for the fact that he is doing those things,” she said. Your partner might say, “I can’t stand the way you flirt with other men whenever we go to a party,” when really, they’re the one being disloyal.
Below, therapists reveal some of the common phrases gaslighters use so you can be more adept at recognizing this behavior.
1. “That never happened.”
Gaslighters will do or say something abusive and then deny it ever happened to sow seeds of self-doubt in the victim, said licensed clinical social worker Lisa Ferentz, who specializes in treating trauma.
“The victim starts questioning her instincts and relies more and more on the ‘reality’ that gets created and manipulated by the abuser,” she said. “It also heightens a sense of dependency on the abuser.”
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