TOKEN gifts for fathers were so easy in times gone by, when a Simpsons tie did the job perfunctorily enough for no messy emotions to be bared on either side. These were adequate:
Wallets
He already had a wallet, obviously, fat with B&Q receipts for stuff he might yet return. But still a sturdy leather receptacle was an acceptable gift, the pocket equivalent of a stag’s head on the wall but more functional than whiskey stones or whatever performative crap a quick Google search throws up. Dad would use it until bought a replacement 22 years later.
Quirky ties
As a serious office-working man, a wacky tie – ‘wacky’ meaning here ‘more than two colours’ was a way to show Dad was an individual, a father, a man who loved. He wore it twice, but anyway. Now fathers work from home in jogging pants and don’t even wear ties on weekly trips to the office, his tie collection is only good for light, playful bondage.
A diary
Dads like organising, don’t they? Why else would they arrange days out nobody enjoyed? So he was no doubt thrilled by his annual academic diary gift to write ‘Pub quiz’ in every Wednesday. However, diaries are dead, apps rule and suggesting someone get their shit together is no longer socially acceptable.
Gadgets
A wind-up torch? A laser spirit level? Once your father would thrill to such a device. But tech bros, subscriptions and endless f**king apps have stolen the once humble Dad gadget’s charm. Nobody now wants a toaster they control by waving a hand because they’re already busy telling Alexa to go f**k herself.
Novelty alarm clocks
Remember when you could buy people a unique, personal way to start their day that wasn’t a night’s worth of ragebait on the internet? A talking Wallace & Gromit alarm clock to wake them with a smile? You remember Dad almost grunting in acknowledgement, so pleased he was with it. Now it’s all bloody phones.
DVDs
For a good 20 years, picking something generic and male from the racks at HMV solves all Father’s Day problems. Whether Zulu or Minority Report, The Town or The Expendables 3, he’d probably get around to watching it. Streaming’s taken that away. You could get a Funko Pop of his favourite film character, if you were prepared to sink that low.
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