THINKING of going on holiday to Donald Trump’s America? Make sure you read this travel advice before booking your flight.
Avoid being a minority
If you’re a straight white cis Christian man, congratulations! You’re free to skip this tip and be on your merry, privileged way. Not part of this blessed demographic? You may want to rethink your life choices. Your attempts to enter the country will be seen as socialist DEI propaganda and could get you shipped off to a gulag in a Cybertruck.
Try to look and sound a bit MAGA
You don’t have to sport a furry hat with horns and storm the Capitol, but donning a Make America Great Again baseball cap probably won’t hurt. Spouting the same braindead language as the President will help you fit in with the locals too, so consider slamming your head in a car door until your IQ plummets to the required level.
Delete your social media apps
A sensible precaution because you made a joke about Trump in 2016 that got two likes which could get you disappeared into the detention system indefinitely. Also your follower count is probably so abysmally low you might not be seen as enough of a winner to enter the country. If you’re desperate to get your numbers up quickly, try sharing pictures of random tits you pulled from Google.
Keep The Art of the Deal on your person at all times
As far as travel documents go, Trump’s 1987 memoir-cum-business-advice book is more important than your passport or travel insurance. If airport security officers start to get suspicious of you, simply flash this tome and watch as their anxieties miraculously evaporate. With any luck you’ll be upgraded to business class free of charge. Resist consuming its contents though as there’s a significant risk of brain damage.
Don’t
The golden rule for travelling to Trump’s America is simply: don’t. You may be impatient to visit Central Park or the Grand Canyon, but it’s best to wait until Trump is no longer the commander in chief. This means you need to bide your time for roughly four years, but you never know what insurrection, serious illness or assassination attempt tomorrow may bring.
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