‘Come on and buy your wife knickers in person, don’t be shy’ says M&S

EXPRESSING your desire to take things up a notch in the bedroom when you’re wide awake with faith in your libido and/or dick is only the first step. 

Trouble is, this will come to seem like hubris on a Sunday when you’ve had two drinks and two episodes of Severance too many, and your commitment to revolutionising your sex life is overshadowed by your desire to get some f**king rest. How to do it?

Redefine foreplay

According to social media’s perky, lively, 20something sexperts, extending foreplay interminably is key to blowing your partner’s mind. Too fatigued to find your chakras? Pass your normal bedtime routine off as foreplay with dirty talk. ‘Oh yeah, that three-speed toothbrush feels good. Oh, I’m flicking through this old Jack Reacher novel like it’s your clit.’

Outsource a striptease

Back in daylight hours you promised your boyfriend a striptease, you wanton, overambitious fool. Get him involved up close and dirty… by getting him to take off your clothes for you and put them in the basket. He’s handling the ‘strip’ and your prostrate body, gliding towards slumber, is the ‘tease’. Teamwork will only bring you closer. To sleep.

Let your words do the work

An excellent technique when physically exhausted as you don’t have to move anything except your lips. Lie back and whisper into his ear all the filthy acts you’re going to perform, leaving longer and longer gaps as you both doze off. Hopefully he’ll have a wet dream and believe it was real.

Embrace technology

What, you were going to do it yourself like a Luddite? When you can’t even formulate a political opinion without firing up the iPhone? As you get every sex toy she’s ever owned going, spare a thought for your poor forebears who couldn’t rely on precision Chinese engineering to deliver what you’re too knackered to.

Claim it’s tantra

Tell your partner they’ll have to bloody well wait until the weekend, reminding them that anticipation is sexy and you’re being a master of tantric restraint. This is how tantric sex was invented centuries ago, when a luminary in ancient India was too shagged out for a shag and came up with an excuse on his feet.