A couple of folks have written me in stark shock at the news that I don’t like In-and-Out Burgers. One who lives in a state devoid of In-and-Out locations said he had one once on a vacation out here, dreams of going back for more of ’em, and envies me living in a state where they’re plentiful. He should plan a trip to Las Vegas later this year. They’re currently building what will be the largest In-and-Out Burger in the world with two functioning kitchens, seating for 200+ burger-eaters and a drive through that will look like a ten-lane highway.
But no, I don’t like them. I wanted to. I liked the mood and the friendliness of In-and-Out Burger eateries when I did go to them but the burgers increasingly disappointed me and I think their fries disappoint most people even when you ask for them “well done.: A few years ago, I had a few burgers in a row there that made me decide to give up.
Here’s what I think is why: Your basic In-and-Out Burger has one or more patties of beef, a slice of tomato, a big piece of lettuce, optional onions and their proprietary sauce which is a close relative of Thousand Island Dressing. I’m allergic to lettuce and raw tomatoes, and I don’t like Thousand Island Dressing so I always have them leave those things off. If you have one the way I do — with onions and ketchup == it’s not a very good hamburger.
There seems to be a trend in burger places these days to hide mediocre meat under a dogpile of toppings. A friend of mine recently recommended the hamburgers at Longhorn Steakhouse. Their basic burger comes with mayonnaise, mustard, cheese, lettuce, tomato, pickles and thinly-sliced onions. My feeling is that if a burger has more than five things on it, you could swap out the beef for a drink coaster and most folks couldn’t tell the difference.
Not long ago, I was talking with a fellow who operates a big restaurant review site. I suggested a feature called Live Nude Burgers in which they rate hamburgers that consist of a patty and a bun. If the meat is any good, it should be a pleasant dining experience without all the toppings named above plus avocado, sprouts, sautéed mushrooms, a fried egg, jalapeños, BBQ and/or A-1 sauce, cole slaw, various and sundry aiolis and cheeses plus applewood smoked bacon. You know…the kind of burger where you have to unhinge your jaw to get that first bite.
He stared at me for two seconds, then licked his lips and said, “Mmmm. Do you know a place that does their burgers like that?”
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