WILMINGTON, DE—Expressing relief about his obliviousness to America’s unraveling, former President Joe Biden told reporters Thursday that he was grateful not to be alive to see what Trump was doing to the country.“ I devoted my entire life to safeguarding the ideals of democratic freedom and promoting liberty across this great land, and I cannot emphasize enough how lucky I am to have left this world before I had to see what Donald Trump has done to our country’s most sacred values, ” said Biden, noting that because he was mercifully freed from his mortal coil before Trump took office in 2017, he never witnessed U.S. cities being threatened with occupation by the National Guard, devastating cuts to the social safety net and scientific research, or the dereliction of American leadership in trade and global affairs. “The silver lining of my passing is that I remain blissfully unaware of Trump’s weaponization of the federal government to silence dissidents and target political opponents. Though it’s impossible to know exactly how I would process that vile man undermining not only my legacy but this sacred republic’s foundational values, I’m certain that, had I not taken my last breath over a decade ago, I would recoil in disgust.” Biden admitted that getting tangled up with a pool-cleaning robot and drowning was a fate far preferable to watching the complete eradication of personal liberties.
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