AS we know from Emily in Paris and other TV shows and films, Americans abroad are hilarious. Here are some of the culture shocks Pope Leo XIV will be facing…
Thinking the Leaning Tower of Pisa needs to be fixed
Seeing the tower for the first time, Pope Leo will ask when it’s going to be put right. His Italian companions will laugh, although frankly it’s not unreasonable to think a wildly leaning building is dangerous and needs to be shored up, or better still, demolished. If you’re going to laugh at Americans for being dumb, try the braindead MAGA f**ks who bought Trump digital trading cards.
Being served horsemeat
In a French restaurant Leo will order steak, but will note that it is rather tough. ‘Oui, monsieur, c’est cheval,’ the waiter will reply nonchalantly. Once this is translated, he will be horrified but will reluctantly finish it out of politeness. Such cultural distaste is misplaced; there are far worse things to eat in Europe. Leo might have been invited over for dinner by German cannibal Armin Meiwes, who served up a delicious meal of severed penis fried with garlic.
Believing a man using a street urinal is a pervert
‘Uritrottoirs’ are outdoor eco-urinals trialled in Paris that resemble post boxes men can piss in, one of which made Emily Cooper in Emily in Paris think a man was exposing himself in the street. It’s possible very few of these exist in reality due to a public outcry, but it’s hard to believe Emily in Paris would ever portray France in a misleading way.
Not realising a lady is a prostitute
Milan is known for its red light districts, and on a visit the sexually naive Pope could easily find himself talking to a tartily-dressed woman without realising she is a streetwalker. Due to a linguistic misunderstanding he will invite her back to his hotel, causing his Vatican colleagues to be shocked and horrified. Although given Catholic priests’ track record, having consensual sex with an adult woman is something to be encouraged.
Having to eat frogs’ legs in France
Pope Leo could be served frogs’ legs, which he will force down with a look of horror on his face before exclaiming: ‘I think I’ve just eaten Kermit!’ Although eating a meaty, protein-rich amphibian is a lot less weird than eating the flesh of Christ, which is apparently okay because the poor guy’s been turned into billions of wafers now.
Underestimating the strength of local alcohol
Leo will be wrongfooted by the potency of an unfamiliar alcoholic drink, perhaps absinthe, originally made in Switzerland as a medicinal tonic, which explains a lot. ‘Mmm, tastes like liquorice!’ he will say before happily downing lots more shots and becoming extremely drunk. In films onlookers never intervene in such scenes, which would be considerably less hilarious if the foreign visitor’s heart stopped due to alcohol poisoning, or he simply shat himself.
Getting a frosty reception in a rural British pub
The Pope is bound to visit Britain to wave at everyone from the Popemobile, so it’s not inconceivable that he’ll find himself in an isolated rural pub in Yorkshire where the locals are suspicious of outsiders. However once he buys a few rounds of drinks the mood will lighten and they will turn out to be quite friendly. Luckily for the Pope there’s little chance of him being mauled by a werewolf, but, due to his vow of celibacy, even less chance of shagging Jenny Agutter.
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