BLOOMINGTON, IL—Stopping the polo-clad man and ushering him off toward the bathroom, restaurant staff reportedly provided an improperly dressed Applebee’s patron with a loaner stained hoodie on Wednesday. “I’m sorry, sir, but we cannot seat you unless you are wearing something more in line with this establishment’s dress code,” said Applebee’s hostess Angeline Reilly, who explained that while it was nothing to be embarrassed about, the other diners would just be more comfortable around someone properly attired in a black hoodie that bore the remnants of barbecue sauce and other condiments that failed to come out in the wash. “We also have tattered sweatpants you can wear in lieu of your khakis. If you don’t like the hoodie look, I can offer you a ripped Chicago Bears 2006 NFC champions T-shirt that could be worn with a pair of ratty cargo shorts. Unfortunately, we can’t have people walking in here with collars and buttons on their shirts and ruining the mood we’ve cultivated. This isn’t Red Lobster. And I’m afraid your guest will have to change out of her blouse and into this oversized Looney Tunes sweater with half of the words peeling off.” At press time, an Applebee’s waiter was seen apologetically handing out a $50 gift card to a table that had been seated for nearly 20 minutes without seeing a single customer start a fistfight in the bar after throwing a strawberry margarita in someone’s face.
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