EUROVISION is a byword for shite, and Britain’s entry is frequently the shittest. Here, in reverse order of awfulness, are our worst acts:
Cry Baby, Jemini, 2003
During the contest singer Gemma Abbey was hideously out of tune for the whole song. Undoubtedly a technical problem where they couldn’t hear themselves, but the song was shit anyway. The nul points they received was generous.
Power to All Our Friends, Cliff Richard, 1973
Cliff had two stabs at Eurovision; Congratulations in 1968 and this Eurovision-epitomising paean to friendship dripping with fake sincerity. ‘One old man, spends his life growing flowers/ And caring for the bees,’ says Cliff before announcing ‘Power to the bees!’ Excruciatingly awful but came in third because we’d joined the Common Market.
Flying the Flag, Scooch, 2007
Generic Europop song about flags, presumably mainly ours but every country has a flag so they’ll love it, right? Also dressed as flight attendants for reasons unknown but despicable. Finished a remarkable 22nd out of 24 acts, which is dismal even allowing for other European countries hating us for joining in with invading Iraq.
The Bad Old Days, Co-Co, 1978
Utterly forgotten now, and it’s easy to see why. The lyrics are shite – ‘I was tossed and turnin’ like a ship without the sea’ – and their stage outfits are best described as ‘glam rock clown’. But band member Cheryl Baker was undeterred by coming 11th, and later gave us the unparalleled erotic thrill of suddenly revealing a shorter skirt as a member of Bucks Fizz.
Children of the Universe, Molly, 2014
The brilliantly-named Molly Alice Smitten-Downes came a less brilliant 17th. By no measure can this be described as ‘good’, in part due to an embarrassing chanted ‘Power to the people’ chorus, but it’s no more execrable than anything else. You were cheated of your rightful eighth place, Molly.
Love City Groove, Love City Groove, 1995
Shockingly acknowledged that R&B and rap existed, plus there’s a girl for equality. Which didn’t prevent it being crap. Finishing joint 10th with Malta, not known for its vast pool of musical talent, Love City Groove made Gina G sound like Mozart. Though she looked better than him in a sparkly dress.
Save Your Kisses for Me, The Brotherhood of Man, 1976
The 70s were a golden age for songs with dodgy undertones. The deeply cloying tune is about a guy telling a woman how much he loves her as he leaves for work. The twist, of course, is that he’s not asking his sexual partner to save up her kisses, he’s talking to his young daughter: ‘Save them for me, even though you’re only three.’ It was a different time.
A Message to Your Heart, Samantha Janus, 1991
This is the first verse: ‘Half the world is hungry/ Just from being born/ Every day is a compromise/ For a grain of corn.’ The whole project was based on the logic that Britain fancied the arse off Samantha Janus so Europe would too. They didn’t and it came tenth, proving themselves f**king philistines who don’t appreciate quality TV like Babes in the Wood.
Beg, Steal or Borrow, The New Seekers, 1972
Very, very 70s; the women look like they’re auditioning for Abigail’s Party. Uses the classic Eurovision technique of taking a common phrase then tenuously linking it to your love for someone. Abject mediocrity was rewarded and it came second. In a year that included Watergate, the Munich Olympics and Bloody Sunday, we craved the merely bland.
Puppet on a String, Sandie Shaw, 1967
Not a terrible song, but irritating. However Sandie can sing and it stands up against other whimsical pop songs of the time. Which does once raise the eternal question: why didn’t a band like The Kinks enter Eurovision and ace it every year for a laugh?
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