As you may be aware, I had three separate trips to a hospital in the last few weeks — one because of a gallstone attack, one to have my gallbladder removed and one to deal with some unexpected complications from the surgery and/or the tests I had on the first visit. The first visit, I spent four nights at the hospital; the second, I went home the same day; the third, I spent two nights. During all of that, I received wonderful, conscientious and friendly care from absolutely everyone at that hospital.
With one exception: The folks in Food Service. The meals were inedible.
They were inedible in two ways, actually, one having to do with my numerous food allergies. There are certain things I just can’t eat…which are actually dangerous for me to eat. When I was in my teens, we hadn’t quite figured out the full list of what I shouldn’t put in my mouth and I also hadn’t yet overcome a timidity I had about saying, “I can’t eat this!” Or if I did say that, the person serving me the food I shouldn’t eat would say something like, “Don’t be silly. Asparagus never hurt anyone” and I’d be cowed — in one instance, ordered by a teacher — into taking a few bites. I would pay dearly for not refusing.
I had to learn to say no. I also had to develop a good sense of “I’m not sure about this but my instincts are telling me not to risk it.” I think before I did, I was rushed to some hospital on five separate occasions because of food you may well eat every day with no ill effects. In my recent hospital stays, I ran the risk of being rushed to the hospital I was already in because of what they fed me. (That’s some awkward sentence construction there but you know what I’m trying to say…)
So they’d send up someone with a tray of things I couldn’t eat and I’d get on the phone to Food Services and explain what I could and couldn’t eat. Then, an hour later, someone would come by with another tray containing many of the things I’d told them I couldn’t eat because of my allergies.
Or sometimes, they’d surprise me and there would be meals I should have able to eat but I couldn’t for the other reason: The putative show was terrible. I mean so awful I’d take one bite and have something in my mouth that caused all my senses to go all DefCon 1 with a synthesized voice blaring, “DO NOT SWALLOW! THIS IS NOT FOOD! REPEAT: DO NOT SWALLOW! THIS IS NOT FOOD!” It was like I’d foolishly taken a bite of an old rubber insole that was passing for baked chicken.
I can’t tell you how bad the food was in this place. The doctoring was first-class but the meals were — well, to coin a technical term…shit.
There was also a third class of “food” sometimes on those trays. It was what I called Suspicious Food. I only took photos of one example but one will do. It was the little container of Dole Diced Pears in 100% Fruit Juice…
The “Dole” part caught me off guard. It’s a big company, a reputable company, a company whose name we associate with things that taste good like Dole Canned Pineapple and Dole Whip Frozen Treats, right? Then I looked closer…
“Product of China?” “Best by October 31, 2025?” As this was served to me, I had CNN on and I heard someone expressing outrage that President Donald J. Trump has slapped a 145% tariff on imports from China and all I could think was “That’s not high enough!”
All my life, I’ve been hearing that one of the healthiest things a person can eat is fresh fruit. And now there I was in a complex that is only about health and I was being served the unfreshest fruit possible.
I ate very little during my two multi-day stays in that place. At one point, a lady friend who came by to see me brought be a plate of chicken and rice from a small local chain called Zankou Chicken that serves tasty rotisseried fowl. One of my doctors who dropped in to see me saw the little styrofoam container and asked, “What’s that?”
I opened it up, showed it to him and said, “This, in case you’ve never seen it in all your years interning at this hospital, is food.”
He gave it a sniff and made a note to look into this new medical breakthrough. I just might be on to something.
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