BORED of chocolate eggs and Jesus? Why not watch someone nailed to the floor of an East End warehouse instead? Here are some questionable family movies for the Easter weekend.
Michael Collins (1996)
What could be more Easter-themed than the 1916 Easter Rising? Mums may yawn at the many battle scenes and kids will wonder who the hell Eamon de Valera is, but there’s plenty for dads. Julia Roberts plays well-heeled revolutionary Kitty Kiernan, and Liam Neeson’s brutal assassinations of British officials are a lot like Taken. There is no higher praise for a film than that.
The Long Good Friday (1980)
Jesus got off lightly at Easter compared to this. Among the disturbing events are bombings, shootings, slashings, a glassing, casual racism, casual homophobia, abduction, machete torture, someone getting nailed to the floor and Charlie from Casualty telling Helen Mirren ‘I want to lick every inch of you’. Which frankly sounds more fun than your Easter egg.
Watership Down (1978)
It wouldn’t be Easter without bunnies, and Hazel and his little chums are some of the cutest to die horrifically in ways you will never be able to forget. Would make a good double-bill with the other upbeat Richard Adams adaptation The Plague Dogs, about cute cartoon doggies being tortured in a laboratory.
A Town Like Alice (1956)
Crucifixions are as much a part of Easter as chocolate eggs, but there are only so many times you can watch Jesus on the cross. A Town Like Alice freshens up the mix by having Peter Finch nailed to a tree by WW2 Japanese soldiers for stealing a chicken to give to starving Virginia McKenna. Alternatively, there’s a 1981 TV version with Bryan Brown if 80s nostalgia is your thing. Or just watch them both if you really love crucifixions!
Night of the Lepus (1972)
Easter bunnies as you’ve never seen them before, ie. 15-foot carnivores. Like all notorious horror B-movies it’s funny for about five minutes then turns into a dreary slog as bored-looking rabbits obliviously wander through not-very-convincing miniature sets. Alleviate the boredom by imagining Janet Leigh wondering what the hell happened to her career a mere 12 years after Psycho.
The Passion of the Christ (2004)
Thank goodness for Mel ‘Daddy’s taking off his belt’ Gibson’s obvious interest in sadomasochism or we might never have seen a crucifixion in graphic detail. The only way it could be more realistic is if it was in real-time, so hopefully Mel has a 90-hour director’s cut. The story’s a bit predictable, but when did you last sit down as a family and watch a scourging together?
The Omen (1976)
You know who feels left out at Easter? Satan. He had a minor role in the Crucifixion but never gets any credit for it. Correct this injustice with a video marathon of all three original Omen films so you don’t miss any of the genuinely disturbing horrors, from a woman getting her eyes pecked out by a raven to a mother hallucinating her baby as a burnt husk and murdering it with an iron. Arguably it’s a bit too frightening for children, but the bedwetting will probably stop in a few weeks. Yours too.
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