BEING ‘best friends’ with your partner can damage your sex life, according to a sex therapist. If that sounds like you, here’s how to end that passion-killing friendship.
Bully them online
Follow the lead of teenagers and post mean comments such as ‘ur ugly’ and ‘U know no one likes you??’ on your partner’s Facebook or Instagram page. At first they’ll think it’s a joke, but keep it up and encourage all your friends to join in. Your friendship will be ruined but your sex life will vastly improve. Although you may find your husband is sleeping with Fiona at work because she doesn’t weirdly keep telling him his trainers are shit.
Don’t invite them to your birthday
A pretty big snub when you’re a kid. But sexperts say you’ve got to end overfamiliarity with your sex partner, so don’t invite them to your birthday meal in a restaurant. Ideally have it at a pizza place or McDonald’s so they might walk past and stare in looking sad, like in films. Although McNuggets and a Coke is not the most memorable meal with which to celebrate your landmark 40th.
Spread horrible rumours about them
Somehow it feels wrong to falsely tell people your wife is a slag, but it’s got to be done if you want a great sex life. Once she realises you’ve been telling everyone she’s shagging supermarket delivery drivers and all your kids’ teachers she will hate you and sex will be amazing. In theory. And the Sainsbury’s van will always be on time.
Only hang out with the cool girls
Abandoning a friend to join a ‘cool’ clique is what teenage girls do, so this will only work if you have cool adult friends – you can’t just go up to some intimidating 16-year-olds hanging around outside the local comprehensive. It’s a million times worse if you’re a middle-aged man. Saying you’re ‘just trying to improve your sex life by making friends with cool teenage girls’ could easily be misinterpreted by the police and local paedo vigilantes.
Get a boyfriend or girlfriend
Traditionally you ignore your friends when you get a boyfriend or a girlfriend, so do the same to your partner. Every single time your spouse suggests doing something together, say you’re ‘going round to Suzi/Steve’s tonight’. This is technically known as ‘having an affair’ so be sure to get back together and enjoy your revitalised sex life before they start divorce proceedings.
Get new interests
Do you and your spouse enjoy coupley activities like trying new restaurants or following a favourite TV show? For the good of your sex life this must stop, so when they say ‘Fancy a glass of wine and White Lotus tonight?’ reply: ‘No, Ian. I’m driving to the NEC for the Ultimate Cage Fighting X-Treme Beatdown 2025.’ That will be a massive faff and the atmosphere will be every bit as pleasant as a prison riot, but think of all the shuddering orgasms at some point in the future.
Send naked photos of them to your mates
All the rage currently, and will make anyone consider you an utter bastard and not a friend. The only flaw in this plan is that the average middle-aged bloke long ago accepted their paunchy physique and won’t be troubled by the illegality and breach of trust, because for once they feel ‘down wit da yute’, as they toe-curlingly put it.
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