BURLINGTON, VT—Voicing appreciation for the fact that the boy’s morbid obsession was at least getting him to read, local mom Hana Garrett confirmed Tuesday that everything her son Ethan got at the school book fair was about medieval torture again. “Well, that’s another $70 haul of books about breaking convicts on the wheel and dislocating their shoulders by strappado,” said Garrett, adding that the fourth grader was currently winning his school’s competition to read the most books thanks to his endless appetite for accounts of victims being stretched on the rack during the Spanish Inquisition. “I was so sure he was going to branch out and get Holes this time, but he put it back at the last minute and picked a book with a diagram of something called a head crusher. I guess it’s nice that he’s learning some vocabulary with torture implement names like ‘the brazen bull’ and ‘the pear of anguish.’ There’s even some French stuff like ‘oubliette.’ But his teacher did ask for his next book report to be on something that doesn’t involve castration for a change, so maybe I’ll put that one about hanging, drawing, and quartering away until his birthday.” At press time, Garrett reportedly expressed relief after her son finally asked her for a book detailing more modern forms of torture.
0 Comments