NEIGHBOURS acting like they do it loads more than you? Concerned Evri delivery drivers think of their address as ‘the hot one’? Assert otherwise with these tips:
Look the part
Introduce the neighbours to your paranoia gradually by walking bandy-legged, looking bedraggled and working the ache out of your jaw. If asked about your well-being, mention a terrible soreness downstairs and a lack of sleep ‘which no doubt you’ve heard about’. Now you’ve painted the picture further sightings will be like notches on a bedpost.
Display evidence
When taking out the rubbish carelessly spill used condoms, empty tubs of KY Jelly and broken arab straps onto the drive. Pick them up slowly, pausing to smile at the memories associated with each one. Also wash bedsheets daily, peg out lingerie and be seen absent-mindedly gobbling Viagra like sweets.
Crank the volume
Turning porn up to full volume will get noticed, as will playlists of Je T’aime and Sex On The Beach on repeat. Fake sex by shouting ‘Oh yes’ gutterally while slamming the back of your head into the bedroom wall. Post ‘Sorry about the noise! Got carried away!’ at 2am on the neighbourhood Facebook group.
Get sex toys delivered
Purchasing sex aids weekly and arrange for them to be dropped next door. Open the package while still on their doorstep and discussing something different, like roadworks. Pull out the dildo, regard it critically and say ‘Mm. It was meant to be bigger than him but it doesn’t look it. Ah well, suppose that’s another one for the arsehole.’
Get social
Join rotary clubs, book groups, and become a pub quiz regular. Arrive late at each, dishevelled and smiling broadly, and explain you unavoidably detained become ‘something came up’ with a wink. Your Renault Twingo should always have a discarded bra in the back seat and a dent in the bonnet.
Go full Bonnie Blue
Advertise a gangbang at your place on Gumtree, price free. Get expectant suitors lined up on a Sunday morning while next door are washing their cars, mowing their lawns, and asking people not to block their drives. Do the whole thing curtains-open. Make polite chit-chat during, there’s no need to be rude.
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