“Many of these aren’t mainly about what you say, but about when you use them, and how they shut down a conversation or augment in a way that blames your partner and leaves them feeling that their version [of events] doesn’t matter,” she added.
Here, she shared five hurtful comments she thinks we should avoid using with our partner.
1) “You always…” or “you never…”
One of the Gottman Institute’s four horsemen of divorce is criticism, especially ad hominem critiques, which turn issues with your partner into comments about their person.
Phrases like “you always [do xyz]” can tie “one personal trait to [your partner’s] whole identity… with no nuance,” said Roos.
When comments like these are “thrown in your face, the reaction is often to go into defence mode, and the situation tends to escalate into a dirty fight.”
2) “Boo-hoo, poor you…” or “You’re so dramatic”
Dismissive, sarcastic, and diminishing statements, which suggest your partner is overreacting, are a no-go, said Roos.
They “signal that [your] partner’s feelings aren’t valid and not to be taken as equal to yours, which in the long run makes… their opinion and voice less valued.
“That’s no way to build a healthy, happy and respectful relationship.”
3) “If you really loved me…” or “I thought I meant more to you than that…”
These “manipulative” terms are unfair, Roos told us.
“Using these makes you push your partner into a certain behaviour, and you make them earn your love, which is extremely unfair, harsh and manipulative.”
It also “makes them very tense and afraid of doing wrong, where they feel their love isn’t enough.”
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