WASHINGTON—In an abrupt termination that surprised many White House observers and raised questions about the fate of her remaining staff, first lady Melania Trump reportedly cast longtime aide Heather Schofield into the Well of Gloom on Thursday.
Shortly after midnight, the 55-year-old Trump was seen upon the blasted, confounding landscape of the Glade of Sorrow, where Schofield, her advisor since 2017, groveled on her hands and knees in the mud, grasping at the hem of her employer’s dark cloak. When a flash of lightning illuminated an ancient cobblestone well that had not been there moments before, the aide is said to have pleaded for compassion, to which Trump replied: “Do not beg for mercy, Heather. There is no such thing on this plane of existence.”
Trump was then heard muttering an incantation that caused fingers of black smoke to rise from the well and drag the screaming aide down into its limitless depths, an account denied by the Office of the First Lady.
“Any assertion that the first lady cast Ms. Schofield into the Well of Gloom as a flock of ravens shrieked overhead and blotted out the moon is a total fabrication,” said East Wing spokesperson Nicholas Clemens, appearing ashen-faced and expressionless as he spoke in a flat monotone and maintained an unblinking gaze into the distance. “Ms. Schofield’s departure from this realm was completely voluntary, and there is no truth to the claim that she faced retaliation at work for failing to procure the Necrostone and unlock the unfathomable powers of azogsoth.”
“The first lady and all of us at the White House wish Ms. Schofield the best in her future within the Well of Gloom,” he added.
Sources who spoke on the condition of anonymity for fear of being cast into an otherworldly vortex themselves confirmed that Schofield was not heard hitting the bottom of the well. She is believed to be the first aide Melania Trump has sent down the eldritch structure since a group of White House social media interns went missing in 2020.
According to staffers who claimed to have peered inside the well, its twisting interior is covered with impenetrable runes that spin downward into infinity. Saying their brief glimpse had driven them to the brink of madness, they speculated that Schofield was enduring unspeakable horrors that would permanently shatter her psyche while denying her the mercy of death.
“Tension had been flaring between Heather and Melania, and to be honest, the writing was on the wall,” said one staffer who worked closely with Schofield, stating that Trump had frequently criticized the aide’s job performance. “Once it became clear Heather couldn’t conduct the arcane rites necessary to obtain the Necrostone, the atmosphere at work got really tense. Just last week, Melania rebuked her in a dead tongue in front of everybody, causing our eyes to roll back in our heads and making us lose consciousness. It was pretty awkward—and unprofessional too, I might add.”
The staffer added that since the aide’s ejection from the earthly plane, morale has been low in the first lady’s offices, where an air sour with brimstone fills the halls and at least one staircase is “awash in blood.” In the East Wing, Schofield’s former coworkers can reportedly hear her warped, guttural moans inside their own minds, making it difficult to concentrate.
Many in the White House described Schofield as a person who couldn’t handle the stress of her job. One source noted her hair had suddenly and inexplicably turned pure white. Another stated that she would often come into work in a shirt that was mis-
buttoned and drenched in a strange glowing ichor. But few expressed pity for her ceaseless torment.
“Yeah, it’s sad when someone loses their job, but you know the second the tattered remains of her soul are released she’s going to cash in with a pathetic tell-all about Melania,” said a source within the Office of Communications, suggesting publishers would be “chomping at the bit” to get their hands on a memoir by someone who had spent significant time in the Well of Gloom. “Whatever. At least the well has been fed.”
The source added, “Besides, Heather was clearly not the chosen one who, according to prophecy, will decipher the secrets of azogsoth, slay the First Elders with Igora’s Blade, and allow the first lady to enter the Sphere of the Deathless, where she will reign supreme for all eternity.”
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