9.
“Sage started dating Kevin about two years before this incident. Things seemed to be going all right between them. She told me he was a bit of a derp and sometimes incredibly oblivious. He couldn’t pick up subtle cues, and even suggestions flew over his head with about a mile of airspace between his skull and the suggestion. She initially chalked it up to him being on the autism spectrum, as she has a few other friends who have similar problems picking up cues. So she switched her behavior from ‘talking to neurotypical’ to ‘talking to neurodivergent,’ and the bumps smoothed out for a while. Then the talk of taking the relationship seriously came up. Marriage. Becoming a family. And that’s when the plane hit the mountain with a cartoonish bang. Kevin said he wanted to DNA test Sage’s kids to ensure they were his. The kids were 5 and 3 when Sage and Kevin started dating.”
“Sage said she had to come to a full stop in the conversation for several seconds while her brain rebooted.
Sage: ‘They’re NOT your kids. You know they’re not. My ex-husband and I had them together before I ever met you.’
Kevin: ‘Yeah, and now that we’re getting married, they’ll become mine. I just want to DNA test them to be sure of it.’
Sage: ‘Let me see if I understand this… Do you….. do you actually think my children’s DNA will….. change… to become biologically yours when you adopt them?’
Kevin: ‘Obviously. I just want the confirmation on paper is all.’
There was a long conversation about how DNA didn’t work that way, with his rebuttal that adopting them would make them BECOME his. Then, there had to be a conversation that becoming his children would only happen on paper and in the legal system. That no, the children would NOT magically transform into his biological children once the paperwork was filled out. He insisted that EVERYBODY said the kids became theirs once adoption happened. She explained the concept that ‘adopted children are loved just as much as if they were biological,’ and that was what that meant. He insisted that everything pointed to kids BECOMING ‘theirs.’
His mom eventually had to become involved to back Sage up. His DAD had to become involved to back Sage up. A few books had to get involved to back Sage up.
Kevin was furious! He couldn’t understand why people would EVER adopt a kid if the kid didn’t ‘become’ the actual biological child of the people who took them in. How stupid and selfish it was for kids to retain the DNA of the sperm/egg donor! How could any kid who wanted to be adopted REFUSE to change one little thing so they could have parents?! ‘DNA doesn’t work that way’ is a bullshit excuse!
He ranted. He raved, and right in front of his parents, he told her that if her kids weren’t going to become his kids, the marriage wouldn’t happen. He told her that he would give them all a week to change their minds and agree to be his biological kids. He said WHEN they stopped being selfish, and WHEN the DNA test proved it, he would take the kids in.
Sage: ‘And that’s how the relationship ended.’
Me: ‘Uhhhh, wait, hang on, was he just looking for an excuse to break it off? Did he just get cold feet or want to date around some more or….?’
Sage: ‘Nope. He is just that stupid. His mom called me on the sly and very gently suggested that I break it off with Kevin because no matter how much she and his dad talk to him, he’s adamant about it. He’s even saying that he will NEVER date a woman with kids from here on out unless they agree to change their DNA to become his if the relationship becomes serious.’
So Sage is single again, having dodged a tactical nuke. God help everyone if he ever breeds.”
—Alkuna
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